got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
