Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
