college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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