if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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