If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
