When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
