im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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