i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
