Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
