omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
