i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
