So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
