would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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