Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
