I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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