Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
