So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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