life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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