Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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