note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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