did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
