If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
