I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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