o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize