So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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