Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
