FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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