i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
