I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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