Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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