Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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