Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
