We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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