Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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