Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
birth control should be required to get into college
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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