i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
