Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
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