You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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