Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
