her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
