Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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