My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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