I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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