R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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