I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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