Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
