i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just invented taco cereal.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
