I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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