Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
