I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize