I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is it because I queefed?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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