I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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