when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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