I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
