cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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