So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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