My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
